Balancing Openness in Adoptions for kids who suffered Early Childhood Trauma

The other night Matthew and I were watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" on TV.  As riveting as the movie is, I was scrolling through face book at the same time.  I ran across a post from Matthew's birthmom that she was watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."  Three years ago I would have just kept scrolling.  Three years ago I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the fall out from mentioning his birthmom.  I figured it would be best to just ignore it, he doesn't bring her up, so why push the issue. 

What I have realized over the last three years is that even though he doesn't bring it up or talk about her, there is still a connection.  It doesn't matter if that connection is rooted in trauma and hurt, it is there deep within his heart.  That connection can grow in his heart towards resentment and confusion, anger and guilt if left alone to fester without guidance.  If the fall out isn't dealt with now while he is young and can be guided, imagine how large that dark stain on his soul will grow.  Trauma like that when not dealt with is not easily contained when we are adults.

So I shared with him that his birthmom was watching the same thing right now.  He was giddy and excited that evening, it grew to a manic episode over the next few days.  BUT it was manageable, contained.  We discussed big feelings and holidays and missing birthfamilies.  We discussed that it is okay to be mad and sad and happy and curious and all the things that come with adoption and trauma, but it is not okay to hurt others, to be defiant and disrespectful, to be unkind and unfun to be around.  We discussed that he has all the tools he needs to handle his emotions, to sit with them and feel them, acknowledge them, and to be okay.

Three years ago I would have kept scrolling, today I relish the chance to practice everything we have learned, to look at how far we have come, to appreciate the fact that despite everything his birthmom will always be connected to him and love him even if she wasn't able to keep him safe. 

Balancing openness in adoptions with kids who have suffered early childhood trauma is difficult, but worth it.

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Business Cards for Special Needs Families

 

I was reminded on facebook today about "special needs" business cards a dear friend of mine had made years ago.  When I saw these cards I just had to make my own, so that is what I did.  About a year ago I made these business cards to keep with me when we are out and about.  They have come in handy not only when my children are having some issues, but also to spread the word about early childhood trauma, mental health,  and attachment issues.  You can easily make these to fit your unique family situation or answer questions and comments that you frequently here. 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Challenge: Week 1

December 1st-  I got in my hugs with Joel and James, but not with Matthew! Ill have to work harder on his hugs tomorrow :)  We read "The 12 days of Christmas" and did a craft together followed by a family dinner. It may have all taken place around the coffee table BUT we did it!  After I got everyone to bed Matthew and I played Speed and I didn't even cop out after a couple rounds, I played all the way through,

December 2nd- seriously it's the second day and I'm already failing miserably at this hug thing, ugh, it's just not something that comes naturally to me and I don't think about doing it!  I did eat together and read the book.  We did some drawing together as a family.  BUT I'm most proud about the fact that despite Matthew pushing my buttons I still played the game with him.  I SO wanted to just leave him in his room, but I called him down and played for awhile!  Now hugs tomorrow.....I can do this!

December 3rd-  I did pretty good on hugs today!  Got in 5 with each of the boys!  Did our book and ate together, we didn't have time for a craft since it is the mobile therapist night.

December 4th-We read our book and ate our dinner together.  I played a game with Matthew, he didn't like loosing and began yelling that I was a cheater....things went downhill from there.  BUT I did eventually get him to his room so we could both calm down.  He came down a little later and apologized, we had a good talk so I guess it was a win!

December 5th- Got in some hugs today, played several games.  Of course Matthew had yet another blow out for not winning the game which resulted in him breaking the security/video camera upstairs....he is still up there dysregulated, but not breaking anything so Im taking a minute!  We had dinner together and illustrated a story we made.

December 6th- It was a busy day today and we had a rough morning, but we got everything in!

December 7th- I may or may not have just hugged my kids 20 times in a row to get in my hugs this week, LOL.  I am going to do better next week, I have to do better!  Everything else went pretty smoothly this week, despite Matthew really working on sabotaging the games.  2 more weeks to go :)

Creating a Safety Plan

Having a safety plan in place is vitally important when you are dealing with a child who struggles with mental illness, whether it is a threat of suicide, manic or aggressive/threatening behavior, knowing what to do when in the midst of crisis needs to be second nature to ensure everyone's safety.

When developing the safety plan it is important to have input not only from any family members or caregivers who it may effect, but also additional third parties such as counselors, therapists, first responders, etc.  It is important to know what your options are and what supports are available to you before a crisis occurs.  Having input from other trained professionals can help you find other available supports you may not know about as well as determining the best course of action for your particular child.  Involving others also protects you in the future and helps you to explain to first responders/hospitals/treatment centers the actions you took before contacting them and how the family has gotten to this point in the safety plan. Most importantly don't forget to include your child in this process.  Keeping the discussion open may help them recognize their own warning signs for crisis and respond better. asking your child about what would help them in crisis is a great place to start.

Having a written safety plan is only helpful if everyone in the family knows their role and what to do in an emergency.  It is extremely important that all family members participate in "practice" runs much like a fire drill.  In our house we have a code word we use to indicate that they are to go to the play room, lock the door, and pick a TV show to watch.  I use the code word every once in awhile when they least expect it and give out treats for good listeners.  By making it fun and non threatening I think it reduces any stress or fear when an actual need arises. 

Our safety plan includes a page (front and back) of basic/background/summary information including:

Child’s information

Family information 

Common Behaviors including known triggers/antecedents, things that can escalate/calm the behavior, strategies that may work.

Medications both current and past

Treatment and Interventions

Professional Team

Other Outside Supports/Resources

Safety Concerns

      YOU CAN GET A COPY OF THE CUSTOMIZEABLE SAFETY PLAN HERE

The second page includes the actual plan "If child is doing X, then you do Y."  This will be very child-specific, but here is a copy of ours so you can get an idea.

So now that you have your safety plan, you can just stick it on a shelf and forget about it right?  NO, the safety plan will have to constantly be amended and changed based on your families current needs and support systems.  It is also important to reflect on the safety plan and any changes that need to be made following a crisis.  You may want to ask What situations or triggers led to the crisis? What worked and didn't work?  What can we do differently to keep everyone safe and calm?
I like to make notes right on my safety plan and then develop a revised version based on my notes for the next crisis.

CRISIS BAG:

If any of you have ever sat in a psychiatric emergency room for hours on end, you know how boring, stressful and unproductive you can feel.  Creating a bag that can be left in the car or near the door is a great idea to prepare for a crisis.  Things are happening so fast when you reach the point of transporting or having your child transported to a hospital or emergency unit.  The last time we were in crisis the first responders wouldn't even give me the time to find my youngest kids shoes!!

This bag should include your crisis plan, documentation binder and some snacks, games, music or books for both yourself, the child in crisis, and any others who may be waiting for long periods of time.

You may also want to pack an emergency bag that includes a change of clothes and basic hygiene supplies in case it is determined the child in crisis will be admitted or transferred to another unit.





RESOURCES:
http://www.childcrisisresponsemn.org/resources/#t1
www.namihelps.org/MHCrisisplanbkltCH.pdf
http://kidslinkcares.com/mentalhealth/sample-safety-plans/
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f13/must-read-creating-safety-plan-your-family-238/

So your kid draws a scary picture.....

Here's the picture I found this morning on our coffee table:

This was MY interpretation:
In the top left corner is a boy scribbled over in black, he has an arrow next to his feet pointing to a heart and breathing fire onto the house.  I interpreted this to be Matthew burning the house down and not having a heart.  At the bottom of the house is a boy smiling holding a bloody knife, which I interpreted as Matthew.  There are three ghosts with stabbed hearts in the house which appear to be throwing up blood, I interpreted this to be myself and Matthews two brothers.

I started freaking out......I contacted some of my other Moms who get "it" and they calmed me down.  They told me to take a breath and just ask him to tell me about the picture when he gets home.  Don't react, thank him for sharing his feelings with me and keep the conversation open.

So tonight after Matthew and I played a few rounds of Speed, I pulled out the picture and asked him to tell me what was happening in the story.

Here is the explanation:
There was a Halloween drawing contest at school. He drew this picture of a black crow shooting lava at a house.  The good guy is going into the house to kill the evil vampire ghosts.  The ghost have broken hearts because they asked a girl out and she said no.  He didn't win the contest, another kid who had a picture of evil zombies won.  He was pretty mad he didn't win.

I totally overreacted,  MY PTSD took over, LOL.

Let this be a lesson for you, don't freak out till you get all the facts :)

25 days of purposeful LOVE

As Thanksgiving comes to a close and we enter the Christmas season,  I am finding my "therapeuticness" is being tested more and I'm failing miserabley!  When my boys are excited their behavior goes downhill fast, when you throw in the excitement if the hilidays with all the trauma history holidays bring up it is a disaster.  When my stress level is up u loose my temper quickly, my patience is minimal and I ten to blow small behavioral incidents into massive ones.  Something has to change this holiday season and its gonna have to start with me!

Here's my goals for this holiday season, will you join me in one or all of them?

25 books to read this month:  For the last few Christmases I have tried to wrap up 25 Christmas books and read one each night.  Any time I find a Christmas Book at Goodwill I grab it and put it in my stash.  I have yet to actually make it through all 25 days!  Inevitably an evening starts going downhill, I get frustrated and send everyone to bed without the story.  This year I am going to do it!!  There is nothing they can do to loose the story, I am going to remain calm and patient and read that story as if my life depended on it :)

25 games played this month:  Matthew loves card games of any kind, he usually waits till the end of the night when I am drop dead tired and then starts begging me to play.  I end up denying him way to much cause I'm tired and worn out from the days activities.  This month I am going to play a game every day.  Ill try and play earlier in the day so I'm not too tired to do it and I will try to ask him to play instead of the other way around :)

25 crafts this month: As you probably already know from my Art Therapy Thursday posts, my kids LOVE crafts. My goal is to get at least 25 crafts done this month with them!  I'm sure Ill be sharing them on Art Therapy Thursdays!

25 meals eaten together this month: I love the idea of eating together, but in all honesty what happens is I get everybody everything and by the time I sit down to eat they are all done.  Nobody is getting up from the dinner table till we are ALL done. 
 

25 hugs per week: James is anxiously attached he has a constant desire for hugs.  I usually require him to ask first because of boundary issues and personal space issues he has.  I am not a touchy feely person, I generally don't like hugs all that much!  BUT this month I am making myself initiate hugs at least 25 times per week!  This morning I came down and asked everyone for a morning hug.  Afterwards, James says, "We should do this every morning Mommy, have a morning hug right when you come down!"  He was so excited.  How can you say No to a cute face like that!
 

25 minutes of family time a night: This could be reading the book, making the craft or playing the game, but it has to be ALL of us spending time without electronic distractions!


Any takers?  Ill keep you updated on how it goes for me!  Follow me on Facebook and let me know what you will be doing this holiday season to connect with your difficult kiddos! (Click the facebook badge on the right to follow me on FB).