Empathy: Resources

Resources:

Activities to Develop Empathy in Children
Developmentally appropriate Empathy by age
Empathy exercises for kids:  List of resources and activities

Back to school night for Matthew

It was back to school night tonight for Matthew, I found out about said back to school night at 4:30 this afternoon!  The boys grandma graciously agreed to come over and watch the boys.  I wouldn't have blamed her if she said NO and ran screaming.  The last time she came over to babysit involved some physical aggression, Matthew trying to jump out the window and pretty much a lng ride on the crazy train....but she came anyway :)  I take it all as a sign that the boys are finally really starting to attach to her and feel the need to push back on that attachment.   In light of previous events, I took Matthew with me and put Joel to bed early so really she only had James to deal with this evening.  James in charge of snack tomorrow so I had them put that together to keep him busy. 
The back to school night was uneventful, Matthew has the same teacher as last year and I communicate with her regularly.  This is his second year attending a special private therapeutic school that our local district pays the tuition for.  He is in a class with about 5 students, there is his teacher and her aide as well as some one on one aides for some of the students.  His teacher is great and Matthew is doing great at school most days.  This will probably be the last year the district pays for him to attend and I am anxious to see if the skills he is learning in this highly structured and monitored environment will transfer to a "regular" setting.  In all likelihood he will transfer to a emotional/behavioral unit of sorts at the local district, so he will still receive support but there will be a lot more interaction with typical peers.
There was only one other parent who showed up to the back to school night and the teacher is constantly thanking me for the amount of communication we have, I don't think there is much involvement from parents of other students.  This makes me sad, many of these kids are here because of a lack of parental involvement, I get that, but here I am desperately trying to help my son change his past and we are all still here in the same place.  Sometimes it makes you wonder if it is even worth all the effort, but I know it is and have hope that this is just the beginning of a successful journey to adulthood.

Medication Approval

The insurance finally approved Matthew's anti-psychotic medication!  Woohoo!  We are only using this in emergency situations where he is unable to calm down.  I'm hoping having this on hand will help us avoid anymore trips to the ER.

"Wait....what flowers??!!": My most embarrassing parenting moment thus far

If you've never had a child pee off a balcony at the beach house onto unsuspecting beach goers below....you haven't lived!  I really thought someone was just up there watering flowers....until I realized there was no flowers up there only a little boys wee-wee and the top of some red hair.

Updates

Over the summer James was finally evaluated by our local mental health agency, they gave him an ADHD diagnosis officially but admitted that there is certainly a trauma and attachment piece underlying his behavior issues.  The next step was to determine what services he would receive.  My biggest concern was school.  He was going to be starting preschool, 5 days a week in the morning.  This is our last year before he enters kindergarten and I am really trying to get as much of this under control as possible this year so he can have a successful start to his education....yeah I know, but I can dream cant I?  Anyway, my main concern and desire was to get him started on medication.  Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be that parent desperately trying to convince the professionals to put my 4 year old kid on meds.  He needs them, desperately, and given everything we went through with Matthew spending 2 years going through dozens of medications and even more combinations and dosages of those medications, I want to get this right before James starts Kindergarten.  SO, the only way that they would consider meds is if he was receiving in home services....you know those services that were a waste of time with Matthew, the ones we were finally discharged from mere weeks earlier....yep, those ones!  So much for a rest from people in and out of my home offering a million suggestions that have already failed or are outright contrary to all leading experts in the field of trauma and attachment.  Folks, these kids CANNOT be parented, counseled, taught like a "normal" kid and doing so just puts you farther behind....I've already been there and done that with one kid, this is not my first rodeo.  Regardless, I agreed to the services and so far the BHRS and Mobile Therapist are nice enough and certainly better than the last pair we had.  After the last few months the BHRS is definitely starting to not only see James for who he is but is making the connections that that his behaviors are attachment based.  She even said to me today, "You know I notice that James doesn't really seem to have a good grasp on emotions and feelings,  like he is missing the empathy piece."  BINGO lady and it is pretty hard to discipline, consequence, or help form cause and effect thinking with someone who has no desire to please others or understanding how they effect others.  She also feels medication is the only way we are going to have a chance to get his brain to slow down enough to try and get through to him....6 days...not that I'm counting or anything :)  6 days till our medication appointment which brings a whole different set of stressers with insurance approvals and prior authorizations and overrides...ugh!  I know what medication I want to start with, Intuniv, it was literally a lifesaver for Matthew and our family.  I don't know that he would have safely been able to remain in our home if we hadn't found that medication after 2 years of rages, door alarms, fires, and violence.  It was like a switch that allowed the healing to begin.  I want to start there, but I know the insurance wont.  It took us 6 months after we moved to get the new insurance to approve it for Matthew, and that was with clear documentation of everything we had tried and the positive effect the medication had had on him prior to moving.  Fingers crossed the psych will listen to me and the insurance will approve without hassle.

BeTA 2014 Auction

You have probably heard me talk about the awesomeness that is Orlando, if not check out their website at BeTA: Beyond Trauma and Attachment.  It is a life changing event for so many moms parenting the kids from hard places.  Here is your chance to support this organization and help get trauma mommas scholarship funds to get to Orlando.  So many families bringing in children who have suffered trauma and attachment issues quickly find their finances strained and resources drained.  Therapies are often not covered by insurance, schooling options can become expensive, special diets, replacing stolen or damaged property....it all adds up!  Some moms desperately need to get to Orlando for support, rejuvenation, and education but don't have the funds to do this.  BeTA sponsors and annual auction to do just this!

Check it out at www.32auctions.com/beta , if you don't see anything you want to bid on you can still donate by clicking the DONATE NOW button on the auction page.  Any donation over $5.00 will receive a postcard sized print of 'We are all Wonder Women'!

Empathy: Part 3

Teaching Empathy:  Transitioning knowledge of Feelings to Self, Animals, and Others

 

 As we have journeyed down the path to healing from attachment and trauma issues I have noticed my sons development follows a pattern.  First he has to understand a concept as it relates to himself.  Then he can relate that concept to animals.  Then comes others outside of the family.  Than finally family members or others who are close to him.  Following this circle of relating concepts we began with working on understanding empathy as it related to him.  Now that he had developed a "feeling" vocabulary and seemed to understand the concept of different emotions, we began pointing out how those feelings and emotions directly related to him.  "You must be so sad that your brother took your toy.  I bet you are feeling really mad and hurt.  What could your brother do to make you feel better?", these types of conversations would happen often pointing out his feelings for him until he was able to identify his feelings and then helping him come up with ways others could make him feel better.  He became very good at identifying what others could do for him!

We have a dog in our house:

(Aren't they adorable!)

Our dog puts up with a lot...and I mean a lot!  With a house full of boys he is subject to the normal tail and ear pulling from toddlers, but adding in the emotional and behavioral issues was something that took a lot of adjustment on my part.  When the boys first arrived I quickly learned I couldn't leave them alone with the dog.  They would kick or push him for no reason at all.  Our dog quickly learned he DID NOT want to be around Matthew and he would walk away any time he entered the room.  As Matthew began understanding feelings he would get upset that the dog wouldn't want to play with him.  I began relating this to Matthew in terms of feelings and empathy. "I bet the dog is scared that you will hurt it like you used to do.  I bet you have broken your trust with the dog.  Remember when your brother took your toy and you didn't want to play with him anymore?!  What kinds of things did your brother do for you to make you feel better? If you were the dog what are some things that would help you earn trust again and make you feel better?"  Matthew slowly began to understand this concept and worked really hard to earn trust with the dog.  He would pet it (with supervision of course) and ask to give him treats.  After a long time the dog began to trust him.  Matthew would be so excited when he would come lay on his lap.  Today Matthew is the first one to point out when someone is not being nice to the dog or may be hurting the dogs feelings, he apologizes when he accidentally trips over him.

 

As empathy for animals began to develop I noticed an awakening in Matthew, he actually wanted to have friends.  In the past, he hadn't really desired to have friends, he wanted others to play with him but it was more about needing others to play a certain game with him.  He was now expressing a desire to have real friends and questioning why others were "mean" to him. In reality other kids were not being men to him, he just didn't understand what a friend was or how to keep friends.  He has always been fairly good at the initial making friends part; he is fun and energetic.  However, it quickly becomes apparent that he is controlling, bossy, too rough, and way too intense!  So the "friends" he makes usually move on to greener pastures after about 15 minutes.  At first when he would become upset about kids not wanting to play with him I would sugar coat it.  I stopped that pretty quickly, it wasn't helping.  I began to be very truthful with him.  "The kid doesn't want to play with you because you are being bossy and not taking turns.  Remember how you felt when your brother wouldn't take turns with you?  How do you think your friend feels? What do you think you could do to help him feel better?"  We set up situations at home and practiced.  We often had problems when at the playground or home where Matthew would be too rough and hurt another child.  Matthew would push someone down and the child would begin to cry, Matthew would run and hide.  I helped Matthew come up with specific steps to do if you accidentally hurt someone:  Go to the person and ask if they are okay.  Help the child get to me or another parent.  When the child is feeling better tell them you are sorry and ask if they would like to play.  Let them pick what to play. We practiced these steps over and over and over and then one day it clicked.  Not only did it click for when he hurt someone, but he began stopping and helping every crying child get to me or an adult, LOL!  The other parents thought he was the sweetest kid :)  At first it wasn't true empathy, he had been taught a set of steps to follow and he seemed to get attention following them so he kept doing it.  Eventually though "fake it till you make it" seemed to prove true! 

The hardest was making the empathy connection with our family, it is still a work in progress but he is coming along.  Don't get me wrong we still have a lot to do, but I am really pleased with our progress.  For us the key has been talking, talking, and talking some more.  Direct Instruction of what you want your child to do and then practice the situations.  It may seem like they are listening, but at the strangest times they mention something you said and it is clear that they do hear you!