Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Just another Manic....Tuesday?

Oh if I could transcribe the conversations or rather incoherent ramblings going on over here right now!

"What are you doing?"
"I'm writing in sign language in the air!" While running at full speed, speaking gibberish, waving hands around, hopping from one end of couch to other, starting a puzzle, no stopping puzzle, coloring a picture for the president, no stopping picture, back to jumping, making sandwich, doesn't want the sandwich, giving to dog, playing catch with the dog with imaginary toy, back to writing in the air  etc.

It's been like this all day people, and if the last three years are any indication it will continue for another 3 days with no break for sleep or meals.

Bipolar....the gift that keeps giving!  In our case like clockwork every three months.  So I ask you this:  WHY does this catch me completely off guard and unprepared Every. Single. Time.  

Don't get me wrong, things have vastly improved in the last three years.  When you add bipolar on top of all the trauma and attachment issues it ain't pretty folks.  Manic episodes quickly become violent and the unpredictability of PTSD mixed with paranoia quickly leads to a disaster of epic proportions. 
Our episodes these days are more exhausting for me than anything and they are always followed by a calm, albeit depressed, week to catch up on sleep.  It's the two and a half months afterwards that always get me, they seduce me, it's like a tiny pinhole into another reality.  Right after the mania/depressed episodes you begin to see a glimpse of normal, and as the weeks go on the pinhole gets larger showing you pieces and parts of a life that could be really great.  You begin to think things are really turning around.  You let yourself imagine a play date where you don't have to supervise constantly, maybe you even let your kids play in the back yard alone....and they do great.  You say to yourself, "We've made it, I can finally start to relax!"  

And then out of nowhere.....you're helping your kid write sign language in the air....in cursive, cause, well, he says he doesn't know cursive yet and aliens ONLY read cursive sign language in the air....duh!!

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